Saturday, June 21, 2008

Cub Camp Summary

  • 112 degrees
  • 1 boy removed by ambulance for dehydration
  • 1 powerful fire hose with plenty of pressure
  • 1 dead field now a big mud puddle
  • 12 boys whose ears had clearly swollen shut from the heat and were incapable of hearing a word I said.
  • 3rd degree burns from 212 degree black porta potty seats. Men have no idea how easy they have it.
  • 100,000 ants crawling on my back.
  • 1 ant in my eye
One more year before we do it again. By then, I will totally be up for it again. And I get to take Nate and Ty. Nate with a BB gun. It scares me.

Friday, June 20, 2008

Cub Scout Camp

If you missed the first part of this saga, you can find the friends of scouting story here.

The title really says it all, but let me reassure you, no cub lives were lost during my stay at cub camp today. I can't vouch for tomorrow though.

A few highlights from today:

5 straight hours in 108 degrees while getting squirted with spray bottles and sprinklers will make your hair stand on end. I'm not even posting a picture of me from today.

"LDS" scouting moms get their way if they refuse to pay for an "approved" T-shirt. The staff stops referring to them as intruders about the time they realize they need them to run activities. Because while there were at least 100 adults present on Day 1, by Day 3 of sweltering heat on an arid field, many of the adults have wimped out and stayed home.

If a cub scout can not use his toothpick arms and wet grassy sweaty socks to pull himself over these pegs and onto a slide, There's probably not much a 35-year old woman riddled with arthritis can do. Which in no way stops her from launching herself awkwardly over the edge of the inflatable toy to hoist a very embarrassed and very sad child up over the pegs.
Because the slide was mocking him. And about 30 other kids just like him. It was a fabulous fun filled day at the bouncer. I'm just saying.

Last, I have finally found a location hotter than Hell. I plan to threaten my kids with it the next time they are turds. So tomorrow morning, pretty much as soon as they wake up.

Today, I made the mistake of using a porta-potty. After 3 hours of cub scouts using it. Which is funny, because most of them were capable of shooting BB's into a bullseye from 15 feet away.

I had to pee really badly when I went in, but the 150 degree internal temperature immediately caused my body to return the pee back to my blood stream. Handy, since the smell of evaporated urine caused me to retch. Honestly, my own personal hell will not only be hot, but will smell like concentrated pee and contain large numbers of crying spindly armed boys. Because I cannot bear to watch them clinging desperately to the middle of the peg ladder, praying for just one trip down the slide.

And tomorrow, I get to do it all over again. But hopefully without inflatables. I gave 110% on the flying dive rolls over the side today. I've got nothing left for tomorrow's whiners.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Too tired

It seems that our first summer beach day did not go so smoothly yesterday. But it has left me way too tired to post the details.

And, the puppy started in with the barking at 6:45 am. And someone started texting me at 7:15 am and then work called and whined and screamed at me to stop neglecting it. And I am just too tired to add any wit today.

Tomorrow might not happen either.

Could you all entertain me with funny stories in the comments instead?

Or maybe introductions so that we can all get to know each other? Because that would help me ignore the work I've been avoiding. . .

Wednesday, June 18, 2008


Do you remember the days before sunscreen? The first day of summer, we all put on our swimsuits and washed the car, ran in the sprinklers, or met at the local pool. We splashed and soaked each other for hours, somehow forgetting that this exact behavior had ended badly just 12 months before.

But in those days, no one had 4 different types and strengths of sunscreen at the ready. Instead, the bravest of us basted ourselves with baby oil for that golden brown look. Except golden brown always turned red a lot faster than we expected. And soon it became a tradition that the first day of summer would be spent getting the sunburn of a lifetime and the rest of the week meant chills, aloe, and a lot of time laying face down, crying in agony. It was a summer ritual in our house, one I'm sure my mother gritted her teeth through each and every year.

And because she cursed me so many times with a daughter just like me, I too get to experience the joy of the first week of summer. Because this year, this child neglected to inform me that she had her swimsuit on when she went to her friend's house, and she didn't get 4 types of sunblock applied to the stark white sections of her body. And she wore a swimsuit that has different lines that her normal standbys. Next year, on the first day of summer, remind me to coat all of them the second they get out of bed. . .

Poor thing. Even the burn relief spray is agonizing for her.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008


I'm not scared of spiders. Or any bugs, really. But when Evan came in and said there was a black widow living in the garbage can, I was concerned. Because if there's one, there are probably more. And they are probably all over in the garage as well as the wood at the side of our house.

This particular spider was living inside the handle of the garbage can, which was manufactured as an open tube, perfect for housing creepy crawlies of all kinds.

Luckily, the bug spray got right in there. Does bug spray kill the eggs in the 3 egg sacs she had around her?

Monday, June 16, 2008

Hi Fatty

For Father's Day, the kids bought Dave a Fat Cyclist riding jersey. Which he was willing to try on for you.

He's bringing sexy back, one belly at a time.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

Bike Sense

A few weeks ago, a bike was left on our lawn when a child bought candy from the kids' candy stand. It has never been reclaimed and periodically, someone picks it up off of the lawn, pedals a bit, and puts it down again. Last night, that person was Nate.

Nate: Dad, can you put the seat down on the Mongoose so that I can ride it?
Mom: Nate, why don't you ride your own bike?
Nate: I can't. Tyler's riding it.
Mom: Well, why don't you ride Tyler's bike?
Nate: I can't. It's too big for me.
Mom: The Mongoose is too big for you as well.
Nate: Dad, can you just put the seat down so that I can ride it?
Mom: Why don't you get Tyler's bike out and trade him bikes?
Nate: I can't. Dad! Can you pleeease put the seat down on the Mongoose?

Dave gets a few tools and lowers the seat, but the frame of the bike is still very nearly too big for Nate. I think he realized it was going to be hard to swing his leg over, because instead of getting on at the lowest point, he tried to climb on over the seat from the back of the bike.

Dave: Nate, you know how to ride a bike, right?
Nate: yes!
Dave: Then come over to the side and swing your leg over like you should.

Nate complies and after much struggle, ends up with both feet on the ground on either side of a very high bar. There's no room for error here. Or it's going to end very painfully.

Dave: Nate, just push off and ride.
Nate: (now perched on the bar and not the seat) Like THIS?!?!? Dad, that is highly dangerous!