Saturday, March 15, 2008

Did he think he wouldn't get caught?

I realize everyone knows the story by now. When I was browsing news this week, I kept seeing this photo and for some reason it made me laugh. I just wonder if this is one of those times where the complete idiocy of those actions is so overwhelming that he sees this picture all over and rants about why they had to use the stupidest one they could find. I will refrain from getting started on the hypocrisy, stupidity and utter immorality of his situation.

It makes me wonder how people can ever convince themselves that there will be no consequences from their actions.

Friday, March 14, 2008

How did we ever live without TiVo?

Because I am behind on everything, I just spent tonight catching up on the last two weeks of American Idol. And oh, how it made me love that Digital Recorder. I mean, to ENDURE some of those performances. . .

Christy Lee Cook is awfully lucky that David Hernandez had a sordid (I mean, EWWWW!) past. 8 Days a Week as Country Pop? Simon wasn't kidding when he called it County Fair material. I have never wanted to cry more. Because of the pain in my ears. And my soul. And the feeling of Lennon's spirit wailing from the great beyond. Honestly.

My reaction to Across the Universe was interesting. It made me totally nostalgic, nearly to the point of tears. I remember sitting in my brother's room, thumbing through his guitar book, trying to memorize the words so that when his friend came over and they played it, I could stand outside his door and sing along with all of my heart. I'm pretty sure Mike was pissed that I was going through his stuff and constantly hanging around when his friends were over. But hey, I truly idolized him. He's my big brother. I wanted to be just like him- some big famous guitar player- when I grew up. And OK, he's not a famous guitar player, but he provided me with a complete Beatles education. And Pink Floyd. And tons of other bands that I only remember in bits and pieces. And he is a great guy, so I can still look up to him a little, right? I also have a wee little crush on Michael Johns. I'm pretty sure I'm not alone in that.

Of course, everyone on Earth has already watched and/or heard all of this from multiple sources, but I had to put my two cents in.

But my favorite reason to watch American Idol after the fact? I no longer have to listen to the drivel which pours from Paula's mouth. What in the hell is wrong with that woman? Honestly, is it drugs? A tumor? Maybe STD's gnawing away at her brain? Out of all of the train wreck performances, the train wreck that is the Abdul is certainly the most annoying.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Update on the CA Homeschooling Fiasco

Breaking News:

Home School is Illegal

Dear Asurion*

*Asurion is the company that insures our cell phones. If they break, or get lost, Asurion is supposed to fix them. That's the deal. I pay for the privilege.

Dear Asurion-
I am writing to request that you employ anyone who might have a chance of knowing how to talk. To people. Or anyone who is using more than 3 of their 6 total brain cells. Let me tell you why. One month ago, my phone broke. Contrary to what your rep implied, I did not drop it, step on it, throw it, or give it to my small children and then tell them to take it apart. It's a crappy phone and it broke. It lost a piece of it's very defective charging unit, rendering it useless. After 3 days and 4 hours of negotiations, your rep kindly sent me a new phone. It only cost me $50 (and the 14 months of $4.99 per month, but who's calculating?).

Last week, replacement phone, which was the same crappy model as the first one, stopped getting service. Anywhere. Rebi's phone taunted me with 4 bars while mine only pinged wildly with missed voicemail and text messages every time I managed to stand just right with the phone angled directly at the satellite. I could read the text messages of everyone frantically trying to reach me, but I was helpless to respond- the service never lasted that long.

I called Verizon, took all the steps to repair the programming on the phone, and finally waited in line at their store for an hour. At which point they pointed out the missing end from my antenna and told me to contact you. I was so excited. I could hardly wait to spend another 3 days and 4 hours on the phone with an Asurion rep. After all, my previous interactions have always been so mind numbingly redundant and frustrating, what's not to enjoy?

However, I thought this time might be different, since the phone was missing what appeared to be an essential piece. My, how I underestimated the lack of knowledge you give your people before sticking them on the phone, where they promptly make calm rational people irate. I imagine your turn over is quite high. I think I spoke to 4 different reps in my 3 days and 4 hours or retelling my simple story. "My antenna is broken. I need a new phone." It has become a mantra.

I admit though, it was entertaining in a very ludicrous way to realize that the rep on the phone- who had never touched or seen my phone- was going to keep insisting over and over that my phone was fine, that little antenna piece wasn't necessary, and what he really ought to do is magically erase all of my contacts (and I can't back them up because I can't GET ANY SERVICE) just to see if restoring the software would work. And he asked me to call him from the broken phone. I was smiling as I pointed out that if I could CALL him from the phone, I wouldn't NEED to talk to him (them?) at all. Everyone says you can hear a smile through the phone.

It might have been the hysterical laughter that swayed him, or it might have been the fact that I put a twisty (yep, one of those little metal ties that keep bags shut) on the end of my antenna, called him from it, and speaking very slowly, informed him that I was going to remove the twisty and not to worry when the call dropped, as he was still on hold with me on the other line. After the demo of how clearly the antenna was borked, he finally agreed to send out a new phone. Which takes 3 days. That's OK, the twisty is blue. Blue is my favorite color. I like it sticking off the end of my phone like two really dorky ribbons. At least I can answer text messages.

And now, please cancel my insurance. I paid for a new phone 3 times over, and never having to deal with you again is certainly worth any additional expense I might incur.


Wednesday, March 12, 2008

This is a pushpin

The metal pointy part on this pushpin is 1 centimeter long. I know this because I measured it. I measured it after I plucked it from my foot. A full centimeter. Ouch.

I may never accomplish anything again. . .

I just found out about this website:

Where I can put my earphones in and watch hours and hours of mindless television, while completely ignoring my life. FOR FREE!


Tuesday, March 11, 2008

I am Officially OLD

  • I am sagging in all sorts of weird places, but I can blame that on having kids.
  • I have gray hair, but only a few and I pluck them out.
  • I have arthritis, but not the OLD person kind. Everyone knows RA can affect anyone.
  • I constantly fight the unibrow, and Evan and I have matching scumstashes, but prednisone (to control the RA) gives everyone the facial hair of a pubescent boy.
  • I forget things a lot, but hey! I am one busy woman. Forgetting is normal for my situation.
  • My hearing is starting to go. Again, I just chalk that up to noisy kids and eardrum damage.
  • I don't look in the mirror enough to notice the wrinkles.

So what makes me old?
I caught myself singing along to Neil Diamond today. I knew the words. I didn't even think to change the radio when his song came on. And now, I can no longer deny that I am old.

Monday, March 10, 2008

An Obsession with Baseball

Nate was still and quiet a few days ago- a combination that only exists in his sleep, and even then notsomuch.

Mom: Nate, why are you so quiet?
Nate: I was praying.
Mom: What were you praying for?
Nate: (earnestly) Mom, I was praying that someday I could be the guy behind the batter.

So, when we got to the game today and he was the guy behind the batter, he was pretty ecstatic. And he was pretty good too. Not at the catching of the ball, but at the getting hit right in the face with the ball and not being the slightest bit phased by it.

So his coach says to me, "Wow. He really didn't have any problems with those balls coming right at his eyes. That's really uncommon in kids his age."

My response? "Um, yeah, you don't survive being the youngest of 5 rowdies by flinching every time they throw something at you."

Two days ago, Nate called his dad. I could only hear one end of the conversation.
Nate: Hey dad. Are you available (but say evailbible) on Friday at 10?
Nate: Can you schedule me to go to the park for some baseball practice?
Nate: Well, I was just wondering if you could put it on your calendar.
Nate: When will your meeting be over?
Nate: Can I put that on Mom's calendar?
Nate: OK, it's an appointment then.
Nate: Bye Dad.
(and he did in fact make me put it on my calendar)

And yesterday, after eating a large bagel with cheese and egg on it, he very seriously turns to me and says, "Now that I'm a professional athlete, I have to eat like one."

It looks like this little "lark" is rapidly becoming an obsession. We only signed him up because his friends were playing!

Sunday, March 9, 2008

Daylight Savings and Household Madness

Yesterday I took Rebi and Evan to see 10,000 BC with their friend for her birthday. (I recommend it only if you love epic adventures full of plot holes and wildly inaccurate geography, ecology, and history.)
We got home at midnight. Regular time.
I went to be at 1. Or 2. Or really I was asleep when we magically skipped 2am and went to 3am.
Nate kicked me at 2:30/3:30.
Tyler cried with bad dreams at 4.
My alarm went off at 5:30. Which was really 5:30, but I thought it was supposed to be 6:30, until I made it across to my radio and it said 4:30. Because phones automatically update to PDT, so I should have set it for 6:30, which is what time I needed to be up, but I wasn't sure it would update and if we were late leaving here, Tyler would miss his final competition for level 4.
At the now real 6:30 that feels like 4:30 and looks like 5:30, I started dragging everyone out of bed.
We left at 7:15. Well, 7:30. I don't care that we're late everywhere we go, OK?
We arrived back home at 3 pm.
At 4pm. I begged the kids for some quiet to catch a wink or two.
And I got two.
At 4:05 everyone started yelling and screaming.
Once I got up, they were quiet again. Maddening to a degree just shy of insanity.

Tyler did an amazing job, earning the three highest ribbons and nothing lower. His personal best.

In the chaos, I forgot both camera and video. Sorry!

You want me to buy WHAT??*

*Pictures have all been removed due to their graphic nature. If you need to have pictures for this post, please picture an absurdly tiny swimsuit with impossible straps. And then make the suit smaller by 40% so that it looks fit for a 4 year old. Now, pretend it is aimed at a teenage girl. That picture should be pretty much everything we encountered today.

By all means, feel free to remind me that I am insane. In addition to PMS, I somehow determined that today would be a perfect day for swimsuit shopping. Now, if the swimsuit were for me, that would be one thing. I have pretty much come to terms with the fact that I am not a size 8 or smaller. Things have drooped and pooched and sagged in all manner of unnatural ways, and my only option when swimsuit season begins (which is nearly year round, if I'm honest), is to try on 5 or 10 horrid things and buy the one that looks the least hideous. Sadly, I can live with that. But the girls suits? ARE you KIDDING me?

Have any of you looked at what Target is offering this year? I know it is naive, but all I want was a one-piece swimsuit which would cover them. And yes, I am aware that is too much to ask. But is doesn't stop me from being grumpy. And it certainly doesn't stop them from being grumpy either. Ellie is too tall for the girls sizes, which still have an iota of a chance of adequate coverage, and in no way fits the older sizes. Even if I could find something modest. Which I can't. Unless you want to go the board shorts/rash guard (with a swimsuit under) approach. Which she doesn't. And Rebi, who is really not wanting to be the "only girl in a dorky one-piece. Can't I just have the tankini? I PROMISE to keep it pulled down". And anything we buy will have to have fabric sewn in somewhere in order to fill the gaping holes that spill cleavage.

And parents buy this for their girls. On purpose.

So, I need tips for modest swimsuits. We spent ages looking last year and found almost nothing. I can get a Land's End suit for Rebi. There are 2 she likes, and at $100 each, I'm sure they are actually made from solid gold. But, I am not spending $100 on a swimsuit Ellie will grow out of by June. Help. Anyone? Help?