Friday, May 30, 2008

SPAM a lot

As I mentioned a day or two ago, I'm having a little problem with spam. We lost our business mail server last week, and since it came back up, all of the spam filters seem to be MIA. To make matters worse, my own lovingly placed and much cursed over spam blocking rules are not doing their job. At all. Because I set them up wrong. Except I followed all of the directions, and that's saying something since I never even read directions until I have screwed something up 3/4 of the way through any difficult task, assuming from the beginning that it will be too easy to require directions. And then, you should hear me cuss as I try to figure out where I went wrong and fix the error. I usually recognize the need for directions about the time I notice that 3 of the 4 shelves on the bookcase I am assembling are vertical instead of horizontal. And it never fails to amaze me that something with one purpose is engineered to do such a thing.

But anyway, I am currently wading through over 1000 email a day. For the past week, it has been in the 1500 range. Not a pretty picture when one is juggling several clients with large contracts, all of whom think they are the only client, and all of whom think that every business professional in the known world has a blackberry or other wireless device which puts email at their constant disposal and therefore should be responding instantly to email at any given time of the night or day. Excuse me, but when did email become the telephone? And why haven't I caved to the blackberry yet? Right, because I don't wish to be cited for noise pollution when 1500 messages come pinging in all day long. No matter where I am. Because one cannot have enough instant access to Viagra while picking out books at the library.

In all of the constant spam for everything from chairs and lights manufactured in a German speaking factory to any number of fake designer handbags and shoes, there is one that strikes my funny bone all 895 times I see it each day. The subject line is. . . wait for it. . .

Update your Penis

Really? And what does that take? New paint job? Some shutters? Better light fixtures? I know, carpet! Perhaps one could install tile. Better landscaping? Clearly, I am in need of house updating. Maybe it's day glow tattoos that would do the trick. Metallic eyeliner? Or does that make it retro? Does one "plug it in" to the computer and have "software" updated? A little something that makes the penis aim better when standing at a toilet? I'm killing myself here.

How exactly would one go about updating a penis, should one be an owner? I'm certainly not about to open that email to find out. . .

10 comments:

katzbox said...

Wow..updating of the penis...hmmmmm....some shifting, some internal rearrangement, oh! You update a penis by making it a vagina....ta dah!

frizzlefry said...

ROTFL!

Gaiiden said...

You might need some help setting it up, but I use POPFile with Outlook to filter out all my spam. I still have to double-check it at the end of the day to make sure it didn't file anything incorrectly, but it catches 99.7% of my spam so I only see the emails I need to see every day. And yes, I too get as many emails a day as you.

Kirsti said...

I don't even know what to say to that except that I'm wondering if there are actually people (men) that respond to such promises. Where are these people? Are they walking around? Are they neighbours? Really, what is the demographic? Presumably men that have an "outdated" penis, maybe like I have an "outdated" kitchen.

frizzlefry said...

Hmm Gaiiden, I looked at the site and there is clearly going to be some reading of the directions. . . I'm not sure I'm capable of that.

Kirst- I'm right there with you. Define outdated. I get it for a house, a kitchen, a computer, a TV, an ipod. . .but I am stymied by the word in defining a penis.

Angela said...

I'm just trying to think of ways to have a story about a penis on my blog because there's a bit of satisfaction in saying penis in such a nonchalant way -- especially when it has nothing to do with potty training.

katzbox said...

You know, I'm guessing it was from an Asian or other foreign source and something went horribly wrong in the translation and now, someone, somewhere, is pulling his hair out trying to redo a million emails....changing the name of his company...etc. Like, I think it was coca-cola, when it was first introduced to one of the Asian markets, the literal translation was "bite the wax tadpole"...so who the heck knows what "update" was supposed to originally mean...maybe something to do with the words "up" and "date"...

frizzlefry said...

Angie, I think you should go for it. Just type the word Penis on your blog and see what happens. It's a social experiment, right?

And Katz, I very nearly suggested installing hardwood instead of tile, but I was frightened of where Hattan might take that, ifyouknowwhatimean . . . it is indeed an ad for Viagra, so I'm sure the "up" and "date" is not a bad guess.

frizzlefry said...

I can't believe I just called you Angie! Lack of sleep? Gave all of my brain cells to my kids? Sorry!

Dave said...

Update your penis? No thanks, I think I'll stick with my Penis Classic™