SPAM a lot

As I mentioned a day or two ago, I'm having a little problem with spam. We lost our business mail server last week, and since it came back up, all of the spam filters seem to be MIA. To make matters worse, my own lovingly placed and much cursed over spam blocking rules are not doing their job. At all. Because I set them up wrong. Except I followed all of the directions, and that's saying something since I never even read directions until I have screwed something up 3/4 of the way through any difficult task, assuming from the beginning that it will be too easy to require directions. And then, you should hear me cuss as I try to figure out where I went wrong and fix the error. I usually recognize the need for directions about the time I notice that 3 of the 4 shelves on the bookcase I am assembling are vertical instead of horizontal. And it never fails to amaze me that something with one purpose is engineered to do such a thing.

But anyway, I am currently wading through over 1000 email a day. For the past week, it has been in the 1500 range. Not a pretty picture when one is juggling several clients with large contracts, all of whom think they are the only client, and all of whom think that every business professional in the known world has a blackberry or other wireless device which puts email at their constant disposal and therefore should be responding instantly to email at any given time of the night or day. Excuse me, but when did email become the telephone? And why haven't I caved to the blackberry yet? Right, because I don't wish to be cited for noise pollution when 1500 messages come pinging in all day long. No matter where I am. Because one cannot have enough instant access to Viagra while picking out books at the library.

In all of the constant spam for everything from chairs and lights manufactured in a German speaking factory to any number of fake designer handbags and shoes, there is one that strikes my funny bone all 895 times I see it each day. The subject line is. . . wait for it. . .

Update your Penis

Really? And what does that take? New paint job? Some shutters? Better light fixtures? I know, carpet! Perhaps one could install tile. Better landscaping? Clearly, I am in need of house updating. Maybe it's day glow tattoos that would do the trick. Metallic eyeliner? Or does that make it retro? Does one "plug it in" to the computer and have "software" updated? A little something that makes the penis aim better when standing at a toilet? I'm killing myself here.

How exactly would one go about updating a penis, should one be an owner? I'm certainly not about to open that email to find out. . .