Dear Asurion*

*Asurion is the company that insures our cell phones. If they break, or get lost, Asurion is supposed to fix them. That's the deal. I pay for the privilege.

Dear Asurion-
I am writing to request that you employ anyone who might have a chance of knowing how to talk. To people. Or anyone who is using more than 3 of their 6 total brain cells. Let me tell you why. One month ago, my phone broke. Contrary to what your rep implied, I did not drop it, step on it, throw it, or give it to my small children and then tell them to take it apart. It's a crappy phone and it broke. It lost a piece of it's very defective charging unit, rendering it useless. After 3 days and 4 hours of negotiations, your rep kindly sent me a new phone. It only cost me $50 (and the 14 months of $4.99 per month, but who's calculating?).

Last week, replacement phone, which was the same crappy model as the first one, stopped getting service. Anywhere. Rebi's phone taunted me with 4 bars while mine only pinged wildly with missed voicemail and text messages every time I managed to stand just right with the phone angled directly at the satellite. I could read the text messages of everyone frantically trying to reach me, but I was helpless to respond- the service never lasted that long.

I called Verizon, took all the steps to repair the programming on the phone, and finally waited in line at their store for an hour. At which point they pointed out the missing end from my antenna and told me to contact you. I was so excited. I could hardly wait to spend another 3 days and 4 hours on the phone with an Asurion rep. After all, my previous interactions have always been so mind numbingly redundant and frustrating, what's not to enjoy?

However, I thought this time might be different, since the phone was missing what appeared to be an essential piece. My, how I underestimated the lack of knowledge you give your people before sticking them on the phone, where they promptly make calm rational people irate. I imagine your turn over is quite high. I think I spoke to 4 different reps in my 3 days and 4 hours or retelling my simple story. "My antenna is broken. I need a new phone." It has become a mantra.

I admit though, it was entertaining in a very ludicrous way to realize that the rep on the phone- who had never touched or seen my phone- was going to keep insisting over and over that my phone was fine, that little antenna piece wasn't necessary, and what he really ought to do is magically erase all of my contacts (and I can't back them up because I can't GET ANY SERVICE) just to see if restoring the software would work. And he asked me to call him from the broken phone. I was smiling as I pointed out that if I could CALL him from the phone, I wouldn't NEED to talk to him (them?) at all. Everyone says you can hear a smile through the phone.

It might have been the hysterical laughter that swayed him, or it might have been the fact that I put a twisty (yep, one of those little metal ties that keep bags shut) on the end of my antenna, called him from it, and speaking very slowly, informed him that I was going to remove the twisty and not to worry when the call dropped, as he was still on hold with me on the other line. After the demo of how clearly the antenna was borked, he finally agreed to send out a new phone. Which takes 3 days. That's OK, the twisty is blue. Blue is my favorite color. I like it sticking off the end of my phone like two really dorky ribbons. At least I can answer text messages.

And now, please cancel my insurance. I paid for a new phone 3 times over, and never having to deal with you again is certainly worth any additional expense I might incur.

Melissa